Spa:Cx

Thank you!!!

2011-10-24T13:26:00.001-04:00

Andrew and I would like to express our extreme gratitude to all of our racers, spectators, volunteers, vendors and sponsors for making the race so very successful. It was an awesome event and only 364 days until we'll do it all over again.

We're going to continue to post photo galleries but here's a few that have come in so far:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnbulmer/sets/72157627837965523/

https://picasaweb.google.com/111007621136534702763/Upload?authuser=0&authkey=Gv1sRgCJjxsqzhm82iqQE&feat=directlink

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1586897510&sk=photos

https://picasaweb.google.com/111007621136534702763/SpacxRace2010#

http://www.saratogian.com/articles/2011/10/24/sports/doc4ea4db73d0b3a287424352.txt?viewmode=fullstory

http://www.lovelylindsay.com/race_gallery/race_slideshow.html

The Power of Cross Compels You

2011-10-19T10:01:00.002-04:00

Regan sez: I'm entering two races, so I'm sure to throw up.

Dangerous Curves or A Cyclocross Word of the Day

2011-10-16T16:22:00.000-04:00

Booble (n)

The act of a male rider botching a sharp turn, distracted by an attractive female standing at the apex.

SpaCx has witnessed this phenomena over the past few weeks, but will not release any names.
This time.

Spa:Cx - When the levee breaks

2011-10-01T08:50:00.004-04:00

Just get out and ride!

Alternative Course of Action?

2011-09-25T19:28:00.000-04:00

People stop me on the street all the time, and give me feedback and unsolicited advice on the 'best' cyclocross course.
* You should have more turns
* You should have less turns
* You should have rails to grind for time bonuses.
* You should have a tiger pit with punji stakes hidden somewhere on the course.
* You should stop playing with your bike and make something out of your life. (oops, childhood memory)

As this Ann Landersian barrage comes my way, I'm thinking, don't these people know that I've been working this out in my head since October 25th of last year? Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out...But they just keep buggin' me. So then, what lies ahead? Curious what geometricimpossibilities we have conjured up? Andrew and I sum it up in three words:

Longer, Faster, Stronger

First Element, Like sands through the hourglass
After watching the pros school the run-up by riding up it, we will have to re-examine this element. The classic Belgian cross model of sand is deep, wide and long. And these sands of time(loss) seem to be an element unique to our course in the NYCross series. So how bad can it get? Imagine averitable Sarlacc with caution tape on eitherside and without the smell of one thousand expressed anal glands ofthe undead.

Artist's Course Concept Rendering
Bob and Keith narrowly avoid digestion over one thousand years.

A quick note: adiscussion of this scene from Jedi is perhaps the only thing Iremember from a freshman college course. Really, I can't evenremember which course. During the lecture, the professor informed us that we were notreally seeing a protagonist-eating outer-space sand monster butinstead Lucas' invocation of the trans-cultural symbol of a humongousvagina dentata. And Jabba was the counterpointed phallic symbol. Surprisedthat I still remember that one? I think I might have spilled my beer as well when that bomb dropped. Thanks for sharing, enjoy next time SyFy runs the trilogy.

Anyhoo, fanged naughty bits aside,we're thinking more sand. Because, where there's sand, there'ssuffering. And where there's suffering, there's cowbells. And I got a fever and the only prescription is...

Design Element the next
Since Dairy Queen, Kenner, Cinnabon, Lucasfilms, Robert Smithson, the Senator from Minnesota nor anyrepresentative from the extensive Phylum Mollusca refuses to make a donationto SpaCx despite key product placement with the spiral, I'm considering otheroptions. (Don't tell Andrew, he loves the spiral, it'll be our secret.) I'm proposing anew element; It's a Bitch. (You'll have to go to your local creepy vintage vinyl shop for this one.) Does anyone know where they sell bulk treacle?

Sign up now and pre-order a t-shirt, as we're only ordering a limited run, and experience it all! Oh yeah, we might try to throw in some big, open, grassy driving sections too.

Spa:Cx - The Season Begins

2011-09-18T20:27:00.002-04:00

Back by popular demand.

I know, like, seriously? Yeah, people actually asked for more...

Racin' after Fashion

2011-09-05T17:25:00.001-04:00

When it[defeat] comes, I won’t evennotice it...I’ll be too busy looking good.
–Jim Kelly, Enterthe Dragon

Today we explore the fashion of racing cyclocross. Specifically, its most quintessential garment, the skinsuit. What, when, why after often asked, but as Fernando affirms, looking good is better than feeling good, and since we all know how we will feel during the race, let go of the inquiries and let's just get on to looking marvelous.

Proper technical racing apparel isimportant. Just ask Samantha.

Example: Cipo has often been too good at racing after fashion. Although, if he had the choice, he expressed a preference to work not wearing any clothes. It's our conclusion that he tried to capture some of this porn-star spirit, and then some, in this example of the clothes that he was required to wear in his, then present, line of work.

Cipo's Sans-Skin Suit

But let's face it: Racing en croute, donning thatstretchy phyllo coverall, is the only choice in haute couture cross dressing. No pockets to get caught on the run up, no baggie jersey to droop in when plastered in wet mud. Would that makeme gooey Brie or Salmon? Or Wellington? Mmmm, triple cream.

Continual debate rages on the shoulds and should nots on physical proportions when it comes to donning the lycra onesie. Hey, thefabric is designed to expand and contract just likethe natural casings at the sausage machine. And we like sausage.Besides, I have never had to bear witness to a muffin top with askinsuit. And nothing will make you feel more like a superhero.

At least he's wearing bib shorts...

Next, is there an age limit onsuperhero-wear? When do we transform from youthful, athletic racer tocreepy old guy with his junk on display? Is this just for boy-toys? Hey, I'm not only talking to the twig and berries crowd out there, I have researched articles in a magazine named 'Cosmopolitan' that may suggest that females have a certain awareness of their perceived body type. One word- DEAL. It's like freshman spring over again and we're all puttin' it out there. Ditch the sweater wrap around the waist and shake that money maker. (Insert inappropriate 90's rap song here, check baby, check baby, one two three) Bottom line: go the skinsuit route and have no shame. Wear it loud and wear it proud, don't go skulking up to the line, don't wear a full track warm-up suit until the whistle blows. ROCK IT. If it means the need too add piercings and ink, awesome. If it means glitter nails and hair extensions, do it.

Was Tim too self-conscious by taking a Sharpie to his kit? Discuss.

After all, is it really that much more revealing than lycra shorts and jersey? Did you think that you were hiding something behind that 'club fit'? Remember everyone watching is more focused on beer consumption and yelling. Just like freshman spring break! Holy crap, the season is upon us!

Heat of the Overturning Moment (Slight Return)

2011-08-28T16:07:00.000-04:00

Premise:

The Moment of a forceis a measure of its tendency to cause a body to rotate about a specificpoint or axis.

The overturning moment of an object is the moment of energy capable of upsetting the object; that is, the point where it has been subjected to enough disturbance that it ceases to be stable, it overturns, capsizes, collapses, topples or otherwise incurs an unwanted change in its circumstances, possibly resulting in damage and certainly resulting in inconvenience

Corollary:

Newton's First law (Let's get physical): The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force.

Condtions:

Time- 5:45pm, warm-up lap.
Angle of repose- 0 (level).
Composition of surface- similar to NYSDOT approved subbase
Visibilty- Unlimited.
Speed- 10mph.
Topic of Discussion- Cross tires.

Report:

JRA, you've heard the term, laughed at the stories. "I was just riding along when all the lugs fell off the frame. I'd like a new bike." I still don't believe these folks, but now I do believe the potential for their stories to be true. Why, because of what happened to me. And I have a reliable eyewitness.

One moment chit-chatting about the coolest cross rubber, next a sound, followed by a strange feeling of weightlessness, ending in the too familiar feeling of hitting the ground, grinding body parts into the gravel. WTF?!? Thank goodness my teammate is a pro-level rider, expert at avoiding stupid people pile-ups. But wait? Why did I go down?

After a check of my position, I was nowhere near the brakes.
After a check of the bike, torn hood but everything else spun like butter. No problems.
After a check of the riding surface, nothing. No sticks, pothole, stones, small woodland creatures.
After an interview with the witness, she was unsure why I had decided to practice nose wheelies and could not find any evidence that would have caused the incident.
After all of this, I went home.

Conclusion:

After much forensic analysis, computer modeling, the only rational explanation of the event is Voodoo. I have asked several people if they happen to have a 'JohnO' Voodoo doll? And perhaps, accidentally left it out on the kitchen counter only to have their cat get frisky with it?

After all the denials, I went back to the site, expecting to find a small satchel containing my hair (where they got that I'll never know), a chicken foot, and some eye of newt. Double, double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble...

Now, I am creating some talisman of good Juju to take with me. Any symbolic suggestions to place on my frame would be appreciated.

Postcards from the Edge of Traction

2011-08-22T21:10:00.000-04:00

The following documents experiences from the Cycle-Smart cyclocross clinic in Massachusetts.

Day 1, Morning Session

Dear Mum,

I have arrived at the Cycle-Smartclinic. As the clinic is relatively short, I do not believe that acare package will be necessary, nor sending an extra set of pajamas. We didskills training this morning, revealing my technique of the pastthree years is dangerous at best. This photograph bestillustrates my mastery of blowing a holeshot lead; narrowlyavoiding dental work. As it is my understanding that my insurancedoes not cover cycling induced extractions, nor any associatedreconstructive procedures, I am proceeding to alter my technique perAdam Myerson's suggestion.

Son

Day 1, Afternoon Session

Dear Mum,

Adam is not as mean as his pictures.Since we were doing cornering in the afternoon with a strong emphasison my chocolate-side turns (I like vanilla), I felt confident he would be yelling atme until I cried. Or entangled myself in barbed wire. Neitherhappened, nor did I slip and call him Otto.

Son

Day 1, Evening Lecture

Dear Mum,

Although one can collect much data onphysical performance, tonight we learned that there is no device tomeasure Normalized Power for your life. I think it would be usefulinformation, charting it against my heart rate, EEG and time sheetfrom work.

Son

Day 2, Morning Session

Dear Mum,

You will be pleased to know that Adamdid not have to sacrifice one of the juniors to the rain gods tocreate muddy, sketchy conditions for practice. The gods took it uponthemselves to provide, but it was nice to know the clinic had abackup plan. We also had bunny-hop demonstration from Grand Master Matt, so I may need to carry a special rider on that insurance I mentioned yesterday.

Son

Day 2, Afternoon Session

Dear Mum,

Just completed two hot laps,(before you say it- you're thinking of a lap dance) and nearly had a Julie Moss experience at the top of the first lap but held off. It would appear that there are two common traits in elite riders: ink andpiercing. To the best of my hypoxic recollection, everyone who came around me, like rats out of aqueduct, had both. Even though Al's art may not be as overt as others, Iremain convinced it's there. And, I cannot possibly ask him where hispiercing may reside. Intend on swinging through NoHo on the way hometo rectify the issue.

Son

Thank you to all the instructors at Cycle-Smart for an enjoyable weekend. Please note that if you, the reader, will be racing Masters 45+ at anytime in the next 5-10 years, the clinic was awful, not applicable and pretty much a huge waste of time.

Spa:Cx T-Shirts

2011-08-17T07:41:00.001-04:00

We know that Tosh.0 has had his summer of Deep-V's.

We here at Spa:Cx are declaring 2011 the fall of Cross Dressing.

Pre-Order shirts at a discount on BikeReg, or take your chances and buy them at our event!

http://www.bikereg.com/events/register.asp?eventid=14141

2011 Race Flier

2011-08-16T07:39:00.000-04:00

Loathing Gears in Spa City

2011-08-12T17:25:00.001-04:00

Benjamin Disareli, Mondegreen, and the Need forSpeeds

Point of fact: Everyone knows that Eric, Ginger andCo. were trying to talk about Tullio's invention and not The 1st Earlof Beaconsfield. Right? History re-rewritten. Now let's back to the problem.

The proliferation of gear selection over thepast couple decades has been obscene, cassettes from 5,6,7,8,9 to 10, culminating in the SpinalTap cliché – Eleven. Seriously? Currently, there are more cogs on a Campagnolo cassettethan total gear combinations on my metallic, kelly green SchwinnVarsity; thanks Nigel. In theory, one could have anywhere from one to thirty-three speeds on a rig.

Joker, Joker and The triple? Okay, I won't fault someone for giving CX a shot on a mountain or touring bike, which might happen to have a triple but the focus today is ideal race machines. In a clash of cross culture, we find riders subscribingto three approaches to getting in touch with their higher-power.

Miss Wasilla 1984

L'Etate Rouge: 2x10
“You can pry my STI shifters out of my cold, deadhands” On the far right, the setup that came with the bike. Kinda like a closet full of shoes, it gives you the promise of choices, yet you still never have the right ones. A setup for the sheeple that I am told represents the nations thinking, although they forgot to ask me. More gears-more problems, get a raging clue, or maybe not. Wait, shouldn't these guys be voting policy reducing the amount of gearing?

Oh, New England: 1x10
Yankeepragmatism, stripped down. Removing the front derailleur and extraring is like taking out the car door windows and welding in a rollcage. Install your bestus-chain-stayey-oney devices, bashguard,dogfang, sharktooth and a brake lever from the days of downtubeshifters, and hold on. Super fast and Nomex suit is not required.

Thunderdome at SSCXWC

Portlandia: 1x1
Minimalist, for thesame people who have bomb shelters and provisions forpost-apocalyptic times. Or $225 Rapha bike jeans. Once a refuge forhipsters suspected of drinking the bong water, now SS has beenrecognized by USA Cycling with a SSCX National Championship. Takethat Rhythm Gymnastics, got ink?

Sermon on your mount:

Thou shall have at least one gear.

Thou shall use one gear at one time.

Thou shall require one gear to finish therace.


My fantasy Run-What-You-Brung 2011

Is this dogma to espouse the single-speedascetics? Not at all, it is merely a gentle reminder of what youreally need and what the decision process might be whencontemplating the gearing selection on your bike.

Do not save the date

2011-07-28T12:31:00.001-04:00

Sunday, October 23rd 2011

Many events or organizations might send a reminder to 'save the date.'

Not us at SpaCx. We feel that 'saving the date' is like finding that nasty, sticky dime under the washer at the local laundromat and dropping it in a glass coin jar in the hope that one day the findings will add up to a Speedvagen. No.

We are commanding anyone who likes bicycles and/or their country to patiently, lovingly, stalk the date, and to sneak up behind the unsuspecting point in our celestial orbit in a quiet parking lot. Take it down with Chloroform and duct tape, throw it in the back of your custom van, then hold the date a deep pit in your basement and demand some serious ransom. Like a Speedvagen.

Or, in less creepy words, there shall be no indication of 'tentative' on your Outlook calendar for this event. Be there at any cost.

Spa:CX goes Hollywood

2011-06-09T07:49:00.001-04:00

On Friday June 24th, the Saratoga Film Forum will be presenting The Cyclocross Meeting. Spa:Cx is a featured partner and will be participating in a discussion of the film and cylcocross after the film. Prior to the showing, we will have a table will information and flier for this year's event.

Winter Workout

2011-01-23T16:20:00.000-05:00

Sic semper tyrannis

2010-11-14T19:55:00.001-05:00

Six pints of winter ale and SpaCx is officially in the books. But the big news is that my partner in grime is blowing town, down by law. Or something like that.

Andrew J. is moving to Allentown, Pa,, A-Town, to be a gear editor for some archaic form of media known as a magazine. Unfortunately, I forgot which one as I kinda zoned out during his mid-ride ramblings...blah, blah...Allentown...blah, blah...gear editor...blah, bladdy, blah...hipster apartment in fringe neighborhood - yadda - Billy Joel quote.

Quickly scanning the publisher site, I figured I could pick the publication out. Not so fast. Rodale News makes an awful lot of magazines. Pretty sure it wasn't Prevention, but after checking in on Women's Health, I spotted a section called 'Look Better Naked' and recalling an article he wrote previously, I felt dead on.

Dorney Park, a must.

Andrew J. will have lots to do and see moving to the Lehigh Valley, so I thought it would be helpful if he had one 'gear review' in the bag, in his back pocket, up his sleeve, straight outta Saratoga. Here it is, no rights reserved on this bad boy, just Control-C, Control-V and call it a day.

Women's Health, Gear review, Andrew J. Bernstein, Gear Editor-and-Chief-and-Can 'o Corn

Premier Review

Carbon Equipe Bumpits, As seen on TV

"The trash washes up to shore, even in this landlocked place" - Tilly and the Wall

Newton Universal Performance Racer, Pink

The problem- You stow away the Manolos and strap on the Newtons, killing it all the way to the office only to find you're ten minutes late. Again. You break out the Schrodinger defense- since the manager could not see your cubicle, the manager could not, with absolute certainty, prove that you were not working. That leaves you in the paradoxical state of working and non-working simultaneously. You assert that you were working, despite still wearing your overcoat. It's a tough gambit. From behind the next cubicle, a pouf of bad dye-job hair bobs. And then the gum snaps. How did she get here before me? You left at the same time. And she lives two blocks further away?

In the urban canyons, most do not realize the impact of wind-resistance on pedestrian commuting. Until now. In a newly released, five-boroughs study from CUNY, researchers took a random sampling of administrative assistants, paralegals, dental hygienists and data-enterers to their mid-town wind tunnel facility and measured individuals' drag coefficients. Results were astonishing. On average, women are losing 5 second per city block from dirty air cavetating at the trailing edge of inefficient hair styles. Talk about your bad hair day.

Enter Bumpits. Creating a new hair profile that generates a higher air speed over top of the hair, while propagating a natural laminar flow, virtually eliminating the debilitating eddies that are keeping you from clocking in on time. Aggressive leading edge contour? Aggressive like a mother-in-law on Black Friday. Our reviewer found that not only did Bumpits get her across town faster with less physical effort, but also got her there with less interference. Nothing seems to say 'back off, bitch' like big hair. Street vendors cowered behind their tables, tourist scurried off the sidewalk into traffic, businessmen feigned dropping their cellphones. It just works. We dared the moles at CERN stop smashing little bitty-bits that no one can see (and therefore don't exist) and try to improve upon it. They failed.

Did we just finish the review without a single Snooki reference? So it goes.

Good luck Andrew, wear sunscreen.

Thank you

2010-10-25T20:06:00.001-04:00

Thanks to everyone for making yesterday an absolute success!

Results are posted on Bikereg.

Stay tuned as Dave Kraus and Barry Koblenz, professional photographers, were on hand and I will be posting their portfolios soon.

Barry's portfolio now posted

Cruel Shoes: Confessions

2010-10-19T21:24:00.001-04:00

The last word on Saratoga Spa Cyclocross MMX.

Later that day, Carlo was overheard saying to a new customer, "Well, that's it. That’s every pair of shoes in the place. Unless, of course, you'd like to try the cruel shoes."

Emotional Rescue: Barriers - Updated

2010-10-17T17:36:00.005-04:00

You may ask yourself am I right, am I wrong? You may ask yourself what kind of self-help race is this? Has my cyclocross become unmanageable? Is bike racing cheaper than therapy? Knowing that it takes perseverance to complete a race, and that you may face:

Emotional Barriers - Do I feel like racing?
Perceptual Barriers - Is it cold outside?
Cultural Barriers - Are the guys from Albany mean, do they use foil?
Language Barriers - What the hell is a bell lap?
Interpersonal Barriers - Will my significant other let me race?
Gender Barriers - Will I get beaten by a girl?

These are various types of barriers that people hold dear to them. They simplify, give them an easy out. But wait there's more! A cyclocross race holds a final and sometimes most damaging; the Physical Barriers.

On a good day, one comes gently winding around a 180 degree turn, butt in the air, like a cat in heat, flitting off the bike for a brisk stroll over the boards, back up and away.

On a bad day, its 35 degrees, there's a 50 yard straightaway after the holeshot turn into a set of structural lumber coming towards you at 25 mph. Since the start is kinda like Han Solo dropping the hyperspace hammer, the barrier approach is like reentry when Alderaan has been reduced to space gravel. Which you might resemble in a matter of seconds because you can't feel your hands and you're pretty sure the brakes won't work anyway because of the constant drizzle and frost on the greens.

What could be worse that approaching 40cm of tibia-snapping new-growth at speed? How about boards that remind you in that last instant as you try to click out and leap of the imminent consequences? Think twice? Do you have that much time?

Warning: Barriers may be larger than they appear.

At SpaCx, this is a barrier that you will have to overcome. Then again. And again. Probably like eight times. Which is what they say is the base number of repetitions required before something becomes habitual. Don't try to break through these barriers, just get over them.

I will be your knight in shining armor, riding across the desert on a fine Arab charger...

What sign are you waiting for?

2010-10-15T20:08:00.001-04:00

During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

Prevent the apocalypse- that is- not racing at SpaCx..
Sign up for now!

(yes, this post is a geek-check supreme, and if you were actually able to recite this, go f*ing go to ComiCon)

Cruel Shoes: Apres

2010-10-09T18:37:00.000-04:00

Pas De Deux, Part Deux

Run What You Brung

2010-10-06T17:24:00.000-04:00

Got us a dirt track date, Demolition derby, figure 8,
Eatin' dinner off a paper plate, Eliminations start at eight.
Get your hair piled on up high, I want you darlin' by my side
Dirt track oval, son of a gun, Take what you win, run what you brung.
With every turn we'll tempt our fate, We got a Dirt Track Date.
Southern Culture On The Skids

Many thanks to SCOTS who have provided us with a vivid tableau of the Oct 24 event. Still, people stop me on the street asking about this 'Run What You Brung' What's up with that?

The Concept:
Too often I hear, yeah, it looks fun but I don't have the right bike, I'm not in shape, I'm only good at sniffing glue, blah, blah blah.
So we created an event that would eliminate every last excuse.'Shut up and ride'

NOON - who can't get up by noon
FREE - no money required
ANY bike - everyone has something hanging up in the garage. Steal your child's HelloKitty bike.
ONE lap - that's like ten minutes and everyone can experience the euphoria of bike racing
RACERS will be disqualified, skinsuits, carbon bits, etc
RAFFLE prizes - winners picked from all who complete the lap. It could be big...
WARDROBE MALFUNCTION - great chance to test run your Halloween costume
MONDAY your coworkers will not believe you. Won't that be cool.

Mark your calendar.

Cruel Shoes: pour les voyeurs, per il tifosi

2010-09-30T18:10:00.000-04:00

This an interview prep test. A test to prepare your answers to the most common cyclocross questions posed by the miscreants (mes- not, credere, believe). Practice responses in front of a mirror to reduce any facial ticks or microsigns that would otherwise give away your disdain during the inquiry.

Conclusion:

Okay, yes, beer does make this more palatable. As does new shoes.

Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather...

2010-09-27T17:25:00.000-04:00

IA RATING for Immature Audiences Only
(Contains clinical description)

It’s getting colder.

Cold weather and ‘cross, the topic of conversation will soon turn to embrocation. Embrocation? Yup, the overpriced euro-Ben-Gay that’s not really Ben-Gay and really doesn’t help your knees, medically speaking, but does make you feel invincible, super-pro with your glistening knees, warm and tinglely, smelling like a double chai latte.

So you’re gonna embrocate. Good for you, next you’ll be espousing the virtues of Abbeys and Lambics. No problem, yet. Remember, when prepping in the passenger seat of your car minutes before the start, things can get a bit frenetic. Visions of the giant Plinko game better known as the start are dancing in your head. And what’s my tire pressure? What pressure are they running?

This is when things get critical. You’ve got two things to do. Two goos for two very different purposes. Here is a simple rule of thumb and fingers, a tested strategy with redundancy built-in redundancy.

Step #1 – Do this first (that’s why it’s number one)
Right is right: chamois crème on the right hand. Glaze the taint (potential band name) or have your soigneur prep your bib chamois prior to suiting up. DZ Nuts (XY) /Bliss (XX), Assos, Body Glide, hell- I’d run a couple Hellman’s packets from Stewart’s in a pinch, it’s all good.

Step #2 - “On the other hand we have different fingers” –jack handy
The term sinister is derived from Latin sinistr-, sinister on the left side, unlucky, inauspicious. Embrocation is applied with the left hand. On your knees, calves, quads, lower back, if you’re over 35.

Jigsaw is 'Big-Into' cyclocross, apparently he like the serenity.

FYI- The writers of Saw XVII plan to have Jigsaw’s victim awake naked on the floor of a sauna, neck padlocked to the steam thingy. He does not know his hands have been coated in Mad Alchemy Cold Weather Madness... you know where this is going so I’m gonna quit now.

It boils down to picking your friend’s nose. You can mix up the sequence, use the same hand, but you cannot mix up the sequence and use the same hand.

Conclusion:
The Agony and the Ecstasy
Space the above procedure and there will be a new KY ad.
This time, the fireworks in the lands of milk and honey will be set by Mrs O'Leary cow.

Haiku:
And don’t wipe you nose. (5)
Or grind last-night’s eye yark out. (7)
All day long. Trust me. (5)

...gonna come in first place
gonna burst into flames...

spa:cx Course Layout UPDATE 2

2010-09-23T17:02:00.003-04:00

FINAL DRAFT - Saratoga Spa Cyclocross Course

Concept Layout by Jeremy Powers of Cannondale/Cyclocrossworld

Alec Donahue of NCC/Wheelhouse and CycleSmart

spa:cx Location Map

2010-09-22T17:28:00.005-04:00

Where it's at. Right off Exit 14, Union Ave, just seconds form downtown Saratoga Springs.
From Exit 14, traveling west on 9P, Union Avenue, .5 miles turn right at first light, Henning Road (opposite Yaddo) Travel north on Henning for .5 miles and turn left into Lowlands Racetrack gate.

View Larger Map

spa:cx Kids Race

2010-09-22T17:27:00.002-04:00

Please forward to every irresponsible parent you know!
Notify the entire Saratoga City School District immediately about he cyclocross race.

spa:cx Race Mailer

2010-09-22T17:26:00.002-04:00

Share with all. Be fruitful and multiply. Let's get all of Saratoga to attend Spa Cyclocross 2010!

The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the...

2010-09-17T06:13:00.000-04:00

Tires. That's what I said...

Disciples of the 'cross are all hot and bothered about that UCI tire width thingy and dis-information is being spread about what equipment is required to toe the line for the twenty-ten season.

What you talkin' about Willis?

"For the cyclo-cross bicycle the width of the tyre (measured between the widest parts) shall not exceed 33 mm and it may not incorporate any form of spike or stud"

Translation: Unless you're a UCI Pro racer, it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that certain je ne sais quois.

"This rule does not affect local events as we currently have no rules regarding tire width and the USCF Board of Trustees is not adding any tire width requirement."

So what are my bike options? Pretty much anything goes, Rollerball style. Not the crappy remake, the Jimmy Caan one.

Choices for 2010 SpaCx:
1. Cyclocross bike, any tires, any brakes, end plugs.
2. Mountain bike, any tires, any brakes, no barends.
3.* Run what you brung...definition coming soon.

How can I leave this behind?

spa:cx 2010 Race Flier

2010-09-11T07:16:00.006-04:00

Finally some useful information.

O frabjous day: Powers Cross

2010-09-08T12:14:00.000-04:00

Oh-no-they-di-int!

Yes, yes we did. We got Cannondale/CyclocrossWorld's Jeremy 'J-Pow' Powers and CycleSmart's Alec Donahue, to ride with us. Really, I know we've made some claims in the past but this just happened and the irony of the day did not escape me...hey, I'm decent at Photoshop, but not that good.

I know what you're thinking, "Please post the 'Smoking Gun' YouTube video that you have on these guys that forced them into submission!" Pernicious nonsense, no such incriminating evidence exists, so stay out of my garbage, don't hack into my WiFi. What's the point, why the celebs? Now that we have the best venue, we need the best course. So we asked (or begged, pleaded, groveled, and ultimately bribed) our guests to conceive the Ultimate CX Racecourse (cue thunder & lighting effects and/or maniacal evil laugh) in the universe, or upstate NY.

So there I was, desperately trying not to squeal like a tween at a Justin Bieber concert, riding behind J-Pow. He sported a broken finger from the GMSR race, jeans, some pimp Gucci belt buckle and SRAM Red cap. None of which seemed to affect his ability to drop us while brainstorming the course layout. Jeremy was also well versed in bike-horse interactions which initially terrified me as he rode straight at a thoroughbred probably worth more than my house.

Result- we have a draft concept for the course, lots of real estate, the lap times can be a solid 8 minutes of righteous racing. Hint, do you like the beach?

SpaCx is truly grateful for the generosity of these guys to come out and share their experiences of racecourses across the country and world. Did I mention, Cannondale, CyclocrossWorld, CycleSmart? Jelly Belly anyone?

How was your Tuesday afternoon? Fill out any TPS reports?

It puts the lube on the chain, or it gets the hose again.

2010-09-01T12:26:00.000-04:00

Spa:Cx has managed to claw their way out of Buffalo Bill's basement to find that the fall season is almost upon us. Fall, a time for shorter days, fog coming in on Siberian Tiger feet commutes, and those insufferable leaf-peepers. And cyclocross.

Start looking for your CX bike. It’s probably where you threw it last December while swearing off the sport and reaching for the beers. And it’s not clean; you thought you’d get to it the next weekend but ended up raking the entire yard that had been ignored all season. And then you forgot. Looking like one of those Greek amphorae pulled from the ocean floor, the time for restoration is now.

To clean the nastier yark and spooge (yark = dried spooge) off the bike, I often to mount the bikes on the roof rack and go to the local touch-less car wash. As your HR directors will tell you in the lunch seminars, there are good touches and bad touches. For $7, I am not confident that my bike will be getting a good touch, especially from a giant wooly bear caterpillar of nylon bristles spinning at 8000rpm.

So I stick with the car wash type that does the younger brother I’m-not-touching-you thing by spinning around inches from your vehicle. Afterward, you might want to check the greasy bits and the painty bits as they might have been removed. But you’ll be yark-free.

Be excellent to each of your bikes, especially you chain. It makes you go. Find your MTB shoes and find your anaerobic threshold because its time to emerge from your road riding chrysalis and start racing on the dirt.

Look for next Wednesday's 9/8 blog, it'll piss you off.

Thinking inside the box

2010-08-19T17:30:00.001-04:00

This post goes out to two Brooklynites, Brooklynians?, Brooklyhenians?, who showed initiative, planning, timing, and good old-fashioned asking.

Scott is an architect, so I wanted to honor him by demonstrating my skills and drawing a portrait. It took me like three hours just to shade his upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done. Or maybe I drew a Liger in jeans and black mock turtleneck.

Peter is a veteran, sporting the Helvetica for the super heroes known as BVF. He also hates the beach. He hates the ocean and all of the sea creatures living in it. How do I know this? Look at him running over hundreds of lovingly hand-crafted sand castles. That’s not a race course; he put the tape up at Jones Beach to justify his actions.

They were the first to sign up, wanting the pole position, starting grid No 1. Is this the NYCross protocol? No. Are we gonna hook them up? Yes. I’ll get my can of metallic gold spray paint, which I wasn’t huffing (contrary to popular opinion) and mark a Willy Wonka golden box for them at the start line.

Thanks for signing up!

October is the cruelest month, suffering.

2010-08-16T21:01:00.001-04:00

Now, not only is SpaCx asserting that our event is much better than Cats but also that T.S. got the opening just plain wrong in his allegorical rock opera, The Waste Land.

Bold words Mr. Mistoffelees, you say. But remember last year we invoked the superpowers of Eric, the Weather Viking, Thorgersen to bring us PNW style deluge for proper course conditions. So we got that going for us, which is nice.

So, whaddyagot this year? The park was awesome but we’re going bigger to a new locale with primo terrain and spectating- how about the Saratoga Race Track grounds as a venue? That Johnny Walker Red dude blowing the horn, chicks in big hats, the compulsive gamblers in velour jumpsuits, they’ll all be there.

Registration on BikeReg available now. Warm up on the Oklahoma Track will be frowned upon, or subjected to tazing. We’ll get back to you on that.

Shantih, Shantih, Shantih

But wait there’s more…new race category announcement coming soon

Returning more powerful than you can possibly imagine

2010-07-22T06:18:00.005-04:00

SpaCx is much better than Cats. I'm going to race it again and again.

Holiday Wishes....

2009-12-22T20:47:00.005-05:00

Oh, so I bet you though we forgot all about you...we just cashed out and have been sittin' in the Local, drinking the profits. Not true. We have been scheming on next year, have already met with the park, trying to figure out how to make next year even better. Ha.

I applaud all those riders who have kept it goin'...

"the fans get up and they get out of town.
the arena is empty except for one man,
still driving and striving as fast as he can.
the sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
and long ago somebody left with the cup.
but he's driving and striving and hugging the turns..."

(to clarify, this is the combo of images and sound in my head when I race, isn't it the same for everyone else?)

I leave you with the modified wishes of the most notable Asthma Hound Chihuahua, Ren, when he knelt next to his bed, "...please give me a million dollars, and a fridge with a padlock and, oh yeah, huge quadricept muscles..."

Happy New Year.

Say 'Hi' to that basement wall for us.

The cheese stands alone

2009-10-27T11:22:00.009-04:00

The Winner is presented with the booty...

Later, the Elite Women's podium compares goodies but one prize is left...

So the winners picked up their cash, hefted the beer, grabbed the socks, miscellaneous parts and other tchotchke, but one major prize was left unclaimed. Andrew Bernstein was left, alone. Syracuse's Sarah drove west Sunday afternoon with her cash and Elite Men's winners Wayne but without the day's big payout, AB.

The Cat 4 winner, Jessica, was not available for comment. Is she interested?

Poetry in Motion

2009-10-26T10:03:00.013-04:00

Trail? What trail?

David Carmona takes advantage of his holeshot.

Don Rice sporting the spoils of his folly.

Keith Wentworth showing how it's done.

Chuck Quackenbush does the sand shuffle.

I am trying not to get my shoes dirty.

Keith gets his ya ya's out.

A very proud messenger bike owner.

Farm Team remount (not sure how that all worked out)

Even the pros were shown no mercy by the course, sorry Spooky.

Ahh, so much to tell of yesterday's historic event. It was amazing. Many thanks go to my spouse for taking 1500 (no typo) photographs for me to sort and post for everyone's viewing and downloading pleasure. In the interim, I'd like to share a few of the more graceful moments captured in pixels.

Art Imitates Life

2009-10-23T07:49:00.003-04:00

Alas gentle readers, the race is nearly upon us. Of course, SpaCx will have extensive race coverage and post race interviews but until then I leave everyone with a couple images from Art History to contemplate.

Smithson, Spiral Jetty

Munch, The Scream

Thanks for watching, good luck to everyone on Sunday. (As long as you're behind me.)

Kids Race!

2009-10-21T15:15:00.008-04:00

(Click to preview kids course)

Does your significant other shudder when you have sole responsibility for the children for an afternoon? Do you get calls on the hour, just to 'check in' and speak to the kids? Have we got an event for you...

Yes, we are going to hold a 10 and under kids race around noon. 100m course to be determined but will include a couple of the following features:

ring of fire
grass fields
pavement
class V rapids
40' gap jump
pit of puppies and kittens

Reminder- no aero bars, no sleeveless jerseys (even if they have spongebob printed on them), and in our opinion, leave the deep-dish carbon hoops at home.

History Lesson

2009-10-21T09:22:00.002-04:00

This just in from the elders who hung on to enough brain cells and survived the 70s:

When most were cruisin’ in their Gremlin and wearing tube socks, the Saratoga Velo Club held cyclocross races for several years at the old ski hill at the Skidmore College. (Wow, that’s awesome, and I thought the ski hill was for Matt’s beer balls and ‘borrowed’ trays from the cafeteria for winter fun.)

The Skidmore races were the scene of a couple of epic duels between Saratoga native Kevin Smith and national team member Tom Officer, who still competes in area masters road races.

In later years local rider Keith Honda, a former motorcycle trials rider, fought it out with a kid from Massachusetts who showed some talent - Paul Curley, now a multiple national champion.

One year Paul brought a couple of young brothers along to watch - they would have been cub juniors if we had a race for them back then. Name of McCormack - they went on to have fairly successful careers, too.

So there you have it, Legacy. Yup, our initial press release might need revision, but man, what street cred.

Race Ready

2009-10-21T07:48:00.008-04:00

CBRC foils up before the Johnny Cake Series
(L to R - Schillinger, Goodwin, Leone)

Now, SpaCx is hearing a lot of trash talk out on the street. I won't go so far as to say a bounty has been placed on any Celtic rider's head, but I do know that a few teams are really prepping for the race.

Tuesday night lights

2009-10-20T20:58:00.005-04:00

This was the scene at the pump house loop this evening when one rider apparently 'bumped' another into the creek. Much cursing, scratching and clawing ensued. SpaCx can only conclude that two of the alpha-females were starting the bar-bangin' a few days early in anticipation of the grand prize. We are completely stunned to see this level of fervor, but then again, AB is quite a catch. Register now...

Event Map

2009-10-20T11:44:00.005-04:00

Finally. Here is some useful information. A map of the park showing the pavilions, along with alternate parking locations. The red arrow is the south picnic entrance from Route 9.

Something for the Ladies

2009-10-19T10:14:00.008-04:00

Little known fact, Lance and Oprah hooked up after CrossVegas, Armstrong complained of the ennui dating malnourished twins and was looking for an emotionally developed older woman.

Now, we all know that Cycling is not just a 'guys' sport, like football, and some might even contend that cycling apparel is better suited for women than men. SpaCx wanted to extend a special invitation to all the women athletes out there to join in this entertaining sport. BikeReg is currently listing a host of manly men, many of which are most likely single, especially given the amount of time required to be competitive. Sign up today!

Trail of Tears - Video #3

2009-10-19T07:33:00.003-04:00

Another classic crux section - the Trail of Tears. A run-up, some more up and the promenade through the woods as you recover before the next lap. Music - Black Keys, 10am Automatic

Note- There appears to be rumor and speculation in the cyclocross world regarding the SpaCx and the course. Although numerous people have ridden laps, there are still those who have not spent time on course yet choose to comment on it. While the course does not meet UCI requirements, I have yet to race this year on a course that does.

All are invited to come to the park Wednesday at 5pm to help with final prep work and pre-ride. Decide for yourself.

Original Mudder

2009-10-18T06:48:00.012-04:00

After he breezed a few laps around the park, SpaCx caught up with legendary Jockey turned masters cx pro, Pat Day, to find out how his transition from horse racing to cycling has been going.

SpaCx So Pat, What made you want to ride Cx?

Day Well, I’m just plain tired of the comments about jockey just being along for the ride. I need to prove that we are talented athlete in our own right, not just the horses.

SpaCx True, it may appear that jockeys are just good with a whip.

Day Crop.

SpaCx What?

Day It’s called a crop.

SpaCx Ok crop, kinky. So do any stables ever make their rider wear black leather?

Day No.

SpaCx Yeah, ditch the leather; might freak the horses out a bit- get ‘em in a lather. But moving on the real question then, what’s your preference- silk or spandex?

Day Silk, no question.

SpaCx Excellent. Last quick one; you have mounted multi-million dollar horses like Easy Goer, what bikes have you ridden that give you that same feeling of perfection?

Day None, because I have to pedal.

There you have it- straight from the horse’s mouth, many thanks to Mr. Day for his time and good luck at his upcoming USGP races in Kentucky.

As seen on the course

2009-10-17T07:17:00.002-04:00

We had a great Thursday night practice, I'd like to thank all the guys for coming out and giving the course a proper run through.

Grassy Knoll - Video #2

2009-10-16T10:08:00.004-04:00

So the title is possibly the most overused and we couldn't come up with a better one. You wanna fight about it? Conspiracy theories aside, we wanted to give a preview of the custom mowed lane for the race because its really cool and the park was very accommodating. SpaCx has given many tours to date and the general response that it is a great, tough course. Audio track: Mudhoney, Touch me I'm Sick.

Has it been mentioned that you can register now!?

P-A-V-I-L-I-O-N

2009-10-16T07:44:00.003-04:00

Hi, I'm a member of the coalition to place an additional 'L' in the word Pavilion so I can spell it correctly. Since it's pronounced in these parts Pah-vill-yun, we need the additional consonant. (BTW - photoshop needs a spell check)

Anyway we're gonna have a great set-up at the Columbia complete with roaring fire. You should come to the race just to experience the newly renovated hyper-clean bathrooms (no Porta-Potties!), way better than any other CX race around. We'll have food, expo display, and assorted miscreants. Picnic tables abound as we have yet to make them a feature in the course. Note the conveniently located sand pit, it may not look intimidating right now, but wait until the roto-tiller gets done with it.

'Pavillion' noted as an acceptable alternate spelling would also work for me.

The Start - Video #1

2009-10-15T08:03:00.005-04:00

Okay, so my steady-cam was confiscated and Joel and Ethan Coen have not returned my calls, regardless, I am posting my first video. Here's the starting sequence, sans tape, with a quick pavement start and crowd-friendly drop into sweeping turns. Stay tuned for more...

Trying to avoid the $50,000 lawsuit, we did not rip an audio track for the video. Please put on your iPod , dial to Dead Boys, Sonic Reducer, and press play.

Embrocation

2009-10-15T07:47:00.004-04:00

Embrocation Cycling Journal, the coolest cycling periodical available without prescription, will be on sale at SpaCx! It's certainly not a magazine, it's a cultural experience. And the team riders are super fast too. Follow the link and check out the latest on their site.

Sh-wag!

2009-10-13T18:48:00.006-04:00

Check it - totally pimp prize gear.

Straight from a Skidmore kid's trunk, are you kidding? Its gotta be good. (There are probably a few unopened boxes of 2008 SRAM red groups that are just too last year. I can't be sure though... )

http://blue-mondays.blogspot.com

Can't win if you don't play. Sign up now!

The countdown continues.

Thursday Pre-Ride Oct 15

2009-10-13T10:39:00.006-04:00

How bad could this spiral be? SpaCx had a renowned local artist recreate its effect.

(Start around 1:48, not suitable for office)

Thursday night, pre-ride the course with its designer to gain special insight into the layout, places to gain valuable seconds and where on the course its just gonna hurt. If everything moves according to plan, the Park will have mowed the course on the grassy knoll.

Meeting time: 5:30pm at the Columbia Pavilion. I should be there by 5pm if people want to ride earlier. Please note, do NOT park at the Pavilion, park outside the gates and ride in. Will make everyone all happy-happy-joy-joy.

Note: I will be riding tonight (Wednesday) as well, cuz I'm gonna have this course dialed.

UCI Denies SpaCx

2009-10-12T06:27:00.004-04:00

Saratoga Springs, NY

The Union Cycliste Internationale denied SpaCx their application to be included in the 'Coupe du Monde' for the 2009-2010 season. Overwhelmed by the magnitude of area racing events, i.e. Battenkill, NYcross, we conclude that the committee decided not to consider our event for fear of a racing paradigm shift in which the entire UCI calendar would be held in Upstate New York within four years. And Dieter is UCI president.

Now the good news - we did secure our USA Cycling permit.
USA! USA! USA!

Shame Spirals

2009-10-10T06:17:00.009-04:00

Many avid readers are questioning the course feature indicated as the Stuart Smalley Shame Spiral. Yup, I know I'm dating myself by referencing 80's SNL, but what is a 'shame spiral' that so often afflicted the Senator from the Great White Northern state of Minnesota. We turn to the most reliable source for accurate information, Urban Dictionary, to help us out:

SPIRAL, SHAME (n):

1) An emotional condition commonly experienced during the recovery period following extreme intoxication. The shame spiral consists of continued, connected thoughts and emotions of lack of self-worth, shame, regret, embarrassment and commitments to refuse to intoxicate oneself ever again.

2) A period of time in which one becomes so incredibly and undeniably intoxicated that they are brought to public shame by their ridiculous actions. A shame spiral is only a true shame spiral if all 3 conditions are met:

Intoxication
Nudity
Crying

Shame spirals also often include pain, drama, screaming, dancing on furniture, promiscuity, loss of valuables, and damage to one's reputation. Let it be known that bad shame spirals often happen to good people. They can last anywhere from one night to several years. Symbolized by a swirly thingy and a sad face.

We feel that the CX course we have created will be able to induce all of the aforementioned conditions. Enjoy.

Happy Chain

2009-10-10T05:53:00.003-04:00

Spa Cx welcomes our next sponsor and vendor for expo '09, Happy Chain! HappyChain^TM chain lube is a water releasable oil based lubricant that will stay on and provide high pressure lubrication under many conditions until washed off with water. We are squirting Happy Chain on a lot of our bikes this CX season, check it out.

Precaution: Do not eat or take internally. Do not taunt Happy Chain.

Bring it.

2009-10-08T07:51:00.002-04:00

Many thanks to our park surveillance team who took this photo of a certain Cannondale-Cyclocross world supa-sta, J-Pow, checking out the course layout. Apparently Mr. Powers is waffling between the USGP Derby City Cup and Spa Cx. While the lure of large amounts of cash and decent fried chicken is tempting, he admits, the fact that his car might actually make the drive to the Spa city and he can win a case of beer and hang with the NYCross guys seems wicked cool. No formal commitment has been made but we will just wait and see if he signs up on Bikereg. A side note: The organizational committee has agreed to waive his second race entry fee if he shows up.

Vlad beware

2009-10-05T09:02:00.005-04:00

Delivered to my house yesterday, these are some serious stakes. I believe that we're all set when it comes to any vampires trying work their way onto the course. (Although we are racing during the day.) Perhaps then it will aid in keeping assorted other undead, not susceptible to ultraviolet rays, down under in the case we have chosen an ancient burial ground as our run-up.

The city cannot wait

2009-10-01T13:12:00.000-04:00

News travels fast!

Announcement

2009-09-30T10:05:00.001-04:00

Course Layout

2009-09-30T09:59:00.000-04:00

Here's the course layout as it stands, we still need our trail day and patterned mowing to finish it off!

This is no walk in the park

2009-07-21T14:14:00.002-04:00