Sunday, September 25, 2011

Alternative Course of Action?

People stop me on the street all the time, and give me feedback and unsolicited advice on the 'best' cyclocross course.
* You should have more turns
* You should have less turns
* You should have rails to grind for time bonuses.
* You should have a tiger pit with punji stakes hidden somewhere on the course.
* You should stop playing with your bike and make something out of your life. (oops, childhood memory)

As this Ann Landersian barrage comes my way, I'm thinking, don't these people know that I've been working this out in my head since October 25th of last year? Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out...But they just keep buggin' me. So then, what lies ahead? Curious what geometric impossibilities we have conjured up? Andrew and I sum it up in three words:

Longer, Faster, Stronger
First Element, Like sands through the hourglass
After watching the pros school the run-up by riding up it, we will have to re-examine this element. The classic Belgian cross model of sand is deep, wide and long. And these sands of time(loss) seem to be an element unique to our course in the NYCross series. So how bad can it get? Imagine a veritable Sarlacc with caution tape on either side and without the smell of one thousand expressed anal glands of the undead.
Artist's Course Concept Rendering
Bob and Keith narrowly avoid digestion over one thousand years.
A quick note: a discussion of this scene from Jedi is perhaps the only thing I remember from a freshman college course. Really, I can't even remember which course. During the lecture, the professor informed us that we were not really seeing a protagonist-eating outer-space sand monster but instead Lucas' invocation of the trans-cultural symbol of a humongous vagina dentata. And Jabba was the counterpointed phallic symbol. Surprised that I still remember that one? I think I might have spilled my beer as well when that bomb dropped. Thanks for sharing, enjoy next time SyFy runs the trilogy.

Anyhoo, fanged naughty bits aside, we're thinking more sand. Because, where there's sand, there's suffering. And where there's suffering, there's cowbells. And I got a fever and the only prescription is...

Design Element the next
Since Dairy Queen, Kenner, Cinnabon, Lucasfilms, Robert Smithson, the Senator from Minnesota nor any representative from the extensive Phylum Mollusca refuses to make a donation to SpaCx despite key product placement with the spiral, I'm considering other options. (Don't tell Andrew, he loves the spiral, it'll be our secret.) I'm proposing a new element; It's a Bitch. (You'll have to go to your local creepy vintage vinyl shop for this one.) Does anyone know where they sell bulk treacle?

Sign up now and pre-order a t-shirt, as we're only ordering a limited run, and experience it all! Oh yeah, we might try to throw in some big, open, grassy driving sections too.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Spa:Cx - The Season Begins

Back by popular demand. 
I know, like, seriously? Yeah, people actually asked for more...

Monday, September 5, 2011

Racin' after Fashion

When it[defeat] comes, I won’t even notice it...I’ll be too busy looking good.
–Jim Kelly, Enter the Dragon

Today we explore the fashion of racing cyclocross. Specifically, its most quintessential garment, the skinsuit. What, when, why after often asked, but as Fernando affirms, looking good is better than feeling good, and since we all know how we will feel during the race, let go of the inquiries and let's just get on to looking marvelous.
Proper technical racing apparel is important. Just ask Samantha.
Example: Cipo has often been too good at racing after fashion. Although, if he had the choice, he expressed a preference to work not wearing any clothes. It's our conclusion that he tried to capture some of this porn-star spirit, and then some, in this example of the clothes that he was required to wear in his, then present, line of work.
Cipo's Sans-Skin Suit
But let's face it: Racing en croute, donning that stretchy phyllo coverall, is the only choice in haute couture cross dressing. No pockets to get caught on the run up, no baggie jersey to droop in when plastered in wet mud. Would that make me gooey Brie or Salmon? Or Wellington? Mmmm, triple cream.
Continual debate rages on the shoulds and should nots on physical proportions when it comes to donning the lycra onesie. Hey, the fabric is designed to expand and contract just like the natural casings at the sausage machine. And we like sausage. Besides, I have never had to bear witness to a muffin top with a skinsuit. And nothing will make you feel more like a superhero.
At least he's wearing bib shorts...
Next, is there an age limit on superhero-wear? When do we transform from youthful, athletic racer to creepy old guy with his junk on display? Is this just for boy-toys? Hey, I'm not only talking to the twig and berries crowd out there, I have researched articles in a magazine named 'Cosmopolitan' that may suggest that females have a certain awareness of their perceived body type. One word- DEAL. It's like freshman spring over again and we're all puttin' it out there. Ditch the sweater wrap around the waist and shake that money maker. (Insert inappropriate 90's rap song here, check baby, check baby, one two three) Bottom line: go the skinsuit route and have no shame.  Wear it loud and wear it proud, don't go skulking up to the line, don't wear a full track warm-up suit until the whistle blows.  ROCK IT. If it means the need too add piercings and ink, awesome. If it means glitter nails and hair extensions, do it.

Was Tim too self-conscious by taking a Sharpie to his kit? Discuss.
After all, is it really that much more revealing than lycra shorts and jersey? Did you think that you were hiding something behind that 'club fit'? Remember everyone watching is more focused on beer consumption and yelling. Just like freshman spring break! Holy crap, the season is upon us!