This an interview prep test. A test to prepare your answers to the most common cyclocross questions posed by the miscreants (mes- not, credere, believe). Practice responses in front of a mirror to reduce any facial ticks or microsigns that would otherwise give away your disdain during the inquiry.
Okay, yes, beer does make this more palatable. As does new shoes.
IA RATING for Immature Audiences Only
(Contains clinical description)
It’s getting colder.
Cold weather and ‘cross, the topic of conversation will soon turn to embrocation. Embrocation? Yup, the overpriced euro-Ben-Gay that’s not really Ben-Gay and really doesn’t help your knees, medically speaking, but does make you feel invincible, super-pro with your glistening knees, warm and tinglely, smelling like a double chai latte.
So you’re gonna embrocate. Good for you, next you’ll be espousing the virtues of Abbeys and Lambics. No problem, yet. Remember, when prepping in the passenger seat of your car minutes before the start, things can get a bit frenetic. Visions of the giant Plinko game better known as the start are dancing in your head. And what’s my tire pressure? What pressure are they running?
This is when things get critical. You’ve got two things to do. Two goos for two very different purposes. Here is a simple rule of thumb and fingers, a tested strategy with redundancy built-in redundancy.
Step #1 – Do this first (that’s why it’s number one)
Right is right: chamois crème on the right hand. Glaze the taint (potential band name) or have your soigneur prep your bib chamois prior to suiting up. DZ Nuts (XY) /Bliss (XX), Assos, Body Glide, hell- I’d run a couple Hellman’s packets from Stewart’s in a pinch, it’s all good.
Step #2 - “On the other hand we have different fingers” –jack handy
The term sinister is derived from Latin sinistr-, sinister on the left side, unlucky, inauspicious. Embrocation is applied with the left hand. On your knees, calves, quads, lower back, if you’re over 35.
Jigsaw is 'Big-Into' cyclocross, apparently he like the serenity.
FYI- The writers of Saw XVII plan to have Jigsaw’s victim awake naked on the floor of a sauna, neck padlocked to the steam thingy. He does not know his hands have been coated in Mad Alchemy Cold Weather Madness... you know where this is going so I’m gonna quit now.
It boils down to picking your friend’s nose. You can mix up the sequence, use the same hand, but you cannot mix up the sequence and use the same hand.
The Agony and the Ecstasy
Space the above procedure and there will be a new KY ad.
This time, the fireworks in the lands of milk and honey will be set by Mrs O'Leary cow.
And don’t wipe you nose. (5)
Or grind last-night’s eye yark out. (7)
All day long. Trust me. (5)
...gonna come in first place gonna burst into flames...
Where it's at. Right off Exit 14, Union Ave, just seconds form downtown Saratoga Springs.
From Exit 14, traveling west on 9P, Union Avenue, .5 miles turn right at first light, Henning Road (opposite Yaddo) Travel north on Henning for .5 miles and turn left into Lowlands Racetrack gate.
I know what you're thinking, "Please post the 'Smoking Gun' YouTube video that you have on these guys that forced them into submission!" Pernicious nonsense, no such incriminating evidence exists, so stay out of my garbage, don't hack into my WiFi. What's the point, why the celebs? Now that we have the best venue, we need the best course. So we asked (or begged, pleaded, groveled, and ultimately bribed) our guests to conceive the Ultimate CX Racecourse (cue thunder & lighting effects and/or maniacal evil laugh) in the universe, or upstate NY.
So there I was, desperately trying not to squeal like a tween at a Justin Bieber concert, riding behind J-Pow. He sported a broken finger from the GMSR race, jeans, some pimp Gucci belt buckle and SRAM Red cap. None of which seemed to affect his ability to drop us while brainstorming the course layout. Jeremy was also well versed in bike-horse interactions which initially terrified me as he rode straight at a thoroughbred probably worth more than my house.
Result- we have a draft concept for the course, lots of real estate, the lap times can be a solid 8 minutes of righteous racing. Hint, do you like the beach?
Spa:Cx has managed to claw their way out of Buffalo Bill's basement to find that the fall season is almost upon us. Fall, a time for shorter days, fog coming in on Siberian Tiger feet commutes, and those insufferable leaf-peepers. And cyclocross.
Start looking for your CX bike. It’s probably where you threw it last December while swearing off the sport and reaching for the beers. And it’s not clean; you thought you’d get to it the next weekend but ended up raking the entire yard that had been ignored all season. And then you forgot. Looking like one of those Greek amphorae pulled from the ocean floor, the time for restoration is now.
To clean the nastier yark and spooge (yark = dried spooge) off the bike, I often to mount the bikes on the roof rack and go to the local touch-less car wash. As your HR directors will tell you in the lunch seminars, there are good touches and bad touches. For $7, I am not confident that my bike will be getting a good touch, especially from a giant wooly bear caterpillar of nylon bristles spinning at 8000rpm.
So I stick with the car wash type that does the younger brother I’m-not-touching-you thing by spinning around inches from your vehicle. Afterward, you might want to check the greasy bits and the painty bits as they might have been removed. But you’ll be yark-free.
Be excellent to each of your bikes, especially you chain. It makes you go. Find your MTB shoes and find your anaerobic threshold because its time to emerge from your road riding chrysalis and start racing on the dirt.
Look for next Wednesday's 9/8 blog, it'll piss you off.