Monday, September 27, 2010

Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather...

IA RATING for Immature Audiences Only
(Contains clinical description)

It’s getting colder.

Cold weather and ‘cross, the topic of conversation will soon turn to embrocation. Embrocation? Yup, the overpriced euro-Ben-Gay that’s not really Ben-Gay and really doesn’t help your knees, medically speaking, but does make you feel invincible, super-pro with your glistening knees, warm and tinglely, smelling like a double chai latte.

So you’re gonna embrocate. Good for you, next you’ll be espousing the virtues of Abbeys and Lambics. No problem, yet. Remember, when prepping in the passenger seat of your car minutes before the start, things can get a bit frenetic. Visions of the giant Plinko game better known as the start are dancing in your head. And what’s my tire pressure? What pressure are they running?

This is when things get critical. You’ve got two things to do. Two goos for two very different purposes. Here is a simple rule of thumb and fingers, a tested strategy with redundancy built-in redundancy.

Step #1 – Do this first (that’s why it’s number one)
Right is right: chamois crème on the right hand. Glaze the taint (potential band name) or have your soigneur prep your bib chamois prior to suiting up. DZ Nuts (XY) /Bliss (XX), Assos, Body Glide, hell- I’d run a couple Hellman’s packets from Stewart’s in a pinch, it’s all good.

Step #2 - “On the other hand we have different fingers” –jack handy
The term sinister is derived from Latin sinistr-, sinister on the left side, unlucky, inauspicious. Embrocation is applied with the left hand. On your knees, calves, quads, lower back, if you’re over 35.

Jigsaw is 'Big-Into' cyclocross, apparently he like the serenity.
FYI- The writers of Saw XVII plan to have Jigsaw’s victim awake naked on the floor of a sauna, neck padlocked to the steam thingy. He does not know his hands have been coated in Mad Alchemy Cold Weather Madness... you know where this is going so I’m gonna quit now.

It boils down to picking your friend’s nose. You can mix up the sequence, use the same hand, but you cannot mix up the sequence and use the same hand.

The Agony and the Ecstasy
Space the above procedure and there will be a new KY ad.
This time, the fireworks in the lands of milk and honey will be set by Mrs O'Leary cow.

And don’t wipe you nose. (5)
Or grind last-night’s eye yark out. (7)
All day long. Trust me. (5)

...gonna come in first place
gonna burst into flames...

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